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Yagz Journey

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Are you Apologizing right?

Have you ever felt like someone was being so “strong-headed” about gracefully receiving an apology? I know I have been on the other end of not thinking an apology was sincere enough despite efforts to believe they were. So, imagine my great fortune when i stumble across the fifth chapter of the book titled Things I wish I’d known before We Got Married. The chapter is titled – I wish I had known That Apologizing is a Sign of Strength, it elaborates on the 5 languages an apology ever given or received can be categorized into. If anyone is familiar with the well acclaimed book – 5 Love Languages by the same author – Gary Chapman, these 5 Apology Languages are similar in that aspect.

Similar to our primary language of communication, we all have emotional languages too. The way we primarily like to show or be shown love, the form in which we like to give or receive an apology, the mode in which we like to ensure complete rest or relaxation and the way we express anger or frustration. These primary emotional languages when not fully understood can result in hiccups in our relationships with people, which could be removed with a better understanding.

In this post, I would like to share the 5 apology languages as shared by Gary Chapman

  1. Expressing Regret 

Before you say “duh…isn’t that what an apology is about?”. This language is not about just saying “sorry”, it’s about expressing what the apology is for. I can’t count how many times I have been told “just say sorry and it’s enough” but I am of the opinion that’s it’s not and well, for those who have this as their apology language, it’s not enough.

“I’m sorry” may well be the first words in expressing this apology language. However, you need to tell what you are sorry for. The words “I’m sorry,” spoken alone, are much too general.

I am sorry for arriving late to the event, I know how much this meant to you

2. Accepting Responsibility 

This is about taking responsibility for your wrongdoing by stating why this behavior is wrong. It defers from expressing regret in that it is an evaluation of the results on the wrong doing. For example: a typical apology in this language would be

It was wrong of me to have spoken to you in that tone in public, it was very embarrassing and I should not have done so

3. Making Restitution

This Apology language is about backing the apology with actions preferably the love language of the person in question. Its about reassurance that even though I may have hurt you, I still care about you and have your best interest in mind. So if you ever get asked how do I know you care about me enough after doing a wrong, might be time for some restitution.

I am sorry I failed to make it to dinner with your parents, I owe you and promise to make it up to you by ….

4. Genuinely expressing the desire to change your behavior

Nothing can be as infuriating as hearing an apology for the same thing over and over again, at least for me. Its like what’s the point of apologizing if you know you will do the same thing the next chance you get. So there’s an apology language for people who think this way too and thats to offer a plan that shows an effort to correct the behavior or action.

I am sorry for always coming home late from work and missing dinner. I will plan my day better to enable me finish my tasks on time so we can spend the evening together

5. Requesting Forgiveness

To some people, its not about apologizing, its about the offering forgiveness when requested. They want to know that you care enough to have things go back to the way they were as thats the most important thing about an apology.

I know I hurt you by being complacent about the vacation plans, will you please forgive me?

At the end of the day its all about things we do for those we love, so take a moment today and make a mental note of the apology languages of people in your life – family and friends, this helps make relationships stronger as you can understand them better and some reasons why they act the way they do.

This is a really great resource to learn more about all you need to know about the different dynamics of relationship and marriage

References: Chapman, Gary D (2010-08-24). The 5 Love Languages/Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married Set (Kindle Location 4087). Moody Publishers. Kindle Edition.


Are you a Narcissist?

Hold up, before you cringe up with that look on your face to give a resounding NO,let’s take a look at what it means to be a Narcissist. According to Wikipedia, Narcissism is the pursuit of gratification from vanity or egotistic admiration of one’s own attributes. I got an email today and the first that came to mind was ‘Narcissist’ which was a queer thought but this was suggested following a meeting I had with the individual where he brought attention to himself as an individual than the team he leads . Some of us are

Workplace Narcissist – we believe that we are the best in any team and no one can do what we do. We find ways to draw attention to ourselves in any meeting or gathering as this fuels our egotistic admiration of ourselves. At first,this may seem great and initially be considered a leadership trait but as time progresses, its easy to differentiate the two as a leader would empower the rest of the team and step away from the spotlight to let others shine. Ask your self when was the last time I learnt from my colleague or gave my colleague a boost. I am not saying we become walkovers but we should try to checkmate ourselves when all we think about is ourselves when it comes to the job

Relationship Narcissist: This can be evident in our relationship with both family and friends. Its a bit trickier here as to people outside the relationship, a narcissist would seem perfect as this is what he/she wants you to see because this is a way to further draw attention to himself. As we all know, we tend to get too familiar with family which makes it more difficult for a narcissist to care what perception his or family has of them. For friends since there are no permanent bonds, its easy to recycle friends and keep only those that constitute our fan club and tell us what we want to hear not what we need to hear.

Social ME-dia Narcissist: Guess what?! I think the largest group of people belong to this group because its so easy to do it without even realizing its being done. Ed Young in 50 Shades of THEY came up with 8 groups of people there are on Social Media. I think its a good way to check ourselves and what role social media plays in our lives

• Hal Humility – This is the person who is prideful in their humility, who promotes their lowliness in spirit, who brags and then throws in words like “humbled” and “blessed.” So often we’re prideful in our humility and humble in our pride.

• Dana Destination – She’s always promoting another travel spot, reminding you: “I’m here and you’re not.”

• Tim Trophy. – He loves to post photo after photo of his accomplishments. Maybe he throws in a picture of him with a celebrity or he tells you all about his trophy friends.

• Susan Selfie – Every picture is the same. When she takes a picture or posts a comment, the focus is always on her.

• Paula Party – She’s always at a party making you think, “Why didn’t I get invited? I guess I don’t have as many friends as she does.”

• Sam Soapbox – He hyper focuses on one issue and never lets it go. Every post is a rant about the same thing.

• Barbara Bikini – She loves to get the lust engines going. She posts photos of herself in a bikini, but then she’ll throw up a random Bible verse attached to it.

• Ed Ego – He knows how to crop the photo, add a filter to it, and make everything about it just right to make him look like he is the MAN and you are not.

”It’s all about the way people spin it and the way we perceive it. Again, its highlight reel living

Social Media is great and I love all (most of) the doors its opened in the world. However…’‘And social media,If we’re not careful becomes social ME-dia, pumping up our pride and incubating our insecurities”

narcissistic

Let’s check whatever narcissistic tendencies we may have before it overtakes us and directs our actions.

Don’t be a ‘Buddy Girl’

I stumbled upon this free great resource through a Personal Message a friend of mine had on her BBM profile. Isn’t it amazing how someone decides to write a book and shares it with the world to learn from her wisdom. In some ways, isn’t that what blogging is about but this sounds a lot more heroic, in my opinion 🙂

So the book is called A Girl’s guide to Marrying Well edited by Candice Watters. Its a compilation of articles by different writers and it focuses on 4 key areas

  • Intentionality
  • Purity
  • Community
  • Christian Compatibility

I just started reading the book and I just thought I’d share a piece of what I have learnt so far.

What’s a Buddy Girl? According to Suzanne Hadley who wrote the article ‘Not your Buddy’ in the book, its a female friend who provides the relational benefits without the commitment. To add to that, I would say that its a female ‘intimate’ friend, there are different levels of friendship as some people have realized. One clear way of knowing when the line is crossed from friend to intimate friend is by setting well defined thresholds for each level of friendship especially when dealing with the opposite sex. Everyone’s defined threshold may defer but one thing that matters is being true to yourself so don’t tweak your threshold for Mr A just because you might have a crush on him;-) It saves one the stress of dealing with messy situations.

Don’t settle for a cheap imitation of love…Guard your heart with all diligence for out of it flow the issues of life – Prov 4:23

Some might argue that this is the 21st century and male-female relationships are attainable and yes with the right measures, I feel this is possible when the necessary questions have been asked but even still,this is dangerous territory. Tread with caution as long you have the strength to restrain as soon as you begin to experience tugs at your heart strings. In every relationship, communication is key and that applies in this case too. There should be an openness of what the intent of the relationship is so each party involved knows to guard themselves adequately.

An excerpt from a book I am currently reading put it perfectly, in evaluating our relationships, ‘Before you invest relational capital into someone, you’d better research their commitment.’ – Ed Young, Fifty Shades of THEY

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